And Another Thing

Tom is currently tweaking the demo--specifically the pieces that I had originally edited--and he's done fantastic work on them.

He cut some of the dialogue in "The Quality of Marcy" and tightened the whole thing. I liked the cuts so much that I've applied them to the script and went further through scene one deleting unneeded lines. The whole thing is much stronger for the cuts--thanks, Tom.

We also rerecorded the vocal for Marcy using Tom's significant other, Lili. She brought more of a northeastern quality to the character that helps brighten the dialogue. Thanks, Lili.

Tom also tightened the pacing of "References on Request," which improved that as well.

As a final measure, he is currently adding footsteps to the scene in "Plant Your Wagon" to give the scene a more definite sense of place.

As soon as this is done, I will get the final pitch out to XM. I'll make an announcement as soon as the new versions of those cuts are available on the website.

Again, thanks, Tom. Thanks, Lili. And thank you.

The First Series Is Written!

After years of toil and struggle, it is done. It is a fait accompli. It is history. The first thirteen scripts for Next in the Series are written and ready to go!

The 13th script is called "Phil's Deli" for the time being, and it came together rather nicely. But not without a story.

Originally, I worked on a script called, "The Rainbow Coalition." It featured Bitlle and Bettle Joinsoin and some other characters from previous scripts and concerned itself with the topics of gossip and the tendency of people in this country of ours to suspect the worst of almost anyone. It's a great idea and one to which I shall return, but there was a problem with it. And the problem was that it didn't want to get written. I worked on it for a month-and-a-half and actually wrote only four pages of dialogue and a one-page parody of Teletubbies. Some other writing and editing projects came up, so I shelved it while I tried to earn an honest dollar from my new-old career.

I started "Phil's Deli" officially on May 8th, although I've had the idea since last fall. At that time, I had written a radio ad for my former employer that they ended up not using. Tom O'Neill and I had put together a demo of the spot and were left in a position of having to redact the company's name if we wanted to try to sell it elsewhere. Tom came up with one version of the ad in which he made an obvious edit to remove the original name and dubbed in himself doing a Crazy Guggenheim-type voice saying "Phil's Deli" instead. He had the thought that I might be able to write a sketch around the ad, and I thought he was on to something.

He was only on to part of it, though. As I started work on it, I quickly decided that it needed to be part of a full story. I came up with a plot in which two guys who work for an ad agency have spent a great deal of the firm's money on getting a telecommunications company for a client, including a small amount spent on a demo. Unfortunately, it turns out that the guy they've been dealing with is a manic-depressive suffering from delusions of grandeur who has also been embezzling. The story took itself from there.

I wrote it quickly and easily. I just listened to the characters talk.

Anyway, I can now turn my attention to finishing my novel, "Michael Drayton, Detective Guy," and to earning some more dough from writing and editing. Oh, yeah. And pitching the show.

That's All Right, Mama

According to Harper's Weekly Review, the following terms have been okayed by the FCC for use over your airwaves:

"(A) lot of cr*p," "*ss is huge," "*ss," "b*tch," "d*mn," "d*ck," "d*ckhead," "fire his *ss," "for Chr*st's sake," "h*ll," "kick-*ss," "k*ss my *ss," "my *ss," "p*ssed off," "p*op," "s*x with a d*g," "singers that s*ck," "sit their *sses down," "s*cked," "*p yours," "wiping his *ss," and "you s*ck."

Butt not around here. This here's a family blog. And anybody who doesn't think so can k*ss my *ss.

A Dirge

My readership's dwindled
From purest neglect.
My blogshare has shriveled;
My street cred is wrecked.
O! Fame has bypassed me
Like an artery graft.
Few folk have stopp'd here,
And fewer have laughed.
Has the time come
To hang up my spikes?
Shall I ne'er be sharing
My loves and dislikes?
Shall my lip be abutton'd?
Will my trap be shut?
Should I simply give in
And live in my rut?
Has the time come
To pull down the lever?
But you should have known:
Shut me up? Never!

Some Things Just Have to Be Reported

I got a spam email this morning that bore the intriguing subject title, "Hi, swine fever."

Now, I will admit to having used a handle from time-to-time on the Internet, although I don't recall ever referring to myself as Swine Fever. Is emilee england, the alleged sender of this email, trying to tell me something even my nearest and dearest daren't?

What's Snu?

There has been a lot going on, but none of it has gotten to the point at which I can make public pronouncements yet. Let's just say that there have been some positive developments behind the scenes concerning the writing career of yours truly.

Also, I'm getting ready to make a major pitch to XM. Maybe next week.

Stay tuned. Developing developments will be posted as they develop.

Surreal Lunch

About once a week, I treat myself to lunch at a local Chinese restaurant. The food's mediocre and the service somewhere between impersonal and rude, but it's rarely crowded and they usually seat me at a booth even though it is just me and my book. One of the interesting features of the restaurant is the music they play. It's not the usual Lite Hits or even the oddly compelling Beijing Top 20. Typically it is some form of classical music. But not the other day. The other day it was people singing in French.

So there I sat in a Chinese restaurant, listening to French music and reading about American history. Multiculturalism at its finest. Also somewhat surreal.

After the meal, I repaired to other parts of the shopping center to get a bag of cat food and then some groceries. As I entered the pet store, I noticed a girl, maybe 10 or 11, reaching into the pen where they keep the bunnies. With her was an older man--maybe Daddy, but more likely Granddad--who told the girl in a voice that sounded exactly like Tom Bosely playing Mr. Cunningham on "Happy Days," "Now, that's it. A bunny. That's the kind of pet I can see you with."

That was an interesting observation to me, especially since I wouldn't wish a bunny on my worst enemy. (Okay. Maybe my worst enemy. Or the Vice President.) People forget that just because they're cute and cuddly that they are rodents and have the personalities of schizophrenics on crack. At least that's been my experience.

My next stop was the grocery store, and apparently "National Block Len's Way Day" had been declared. Every way I went, there was someone hogging the aisle, glancing around aimlessly, like hillbillies at the Louvre. In addition to that, my concentration was off, and I kept having to circle back to the previous aisle to get some item forgotten. It was self-imposed deja vu. On one of these deja vu excursions, my way was blocked by a lady who was examing the shelves of canned tuna. After careful deliberation, she selected a stack of eight or nine cans and slowly deposited them in her cart. After considering the gravity of her action for a short eternity, she resumed her contemplation of the canned tuna shelves, apparently absorbed in the deciding whether or not cornering the canned tuna market was a wise investment at this time. I swung my cart around and took my only escape route to the next aisle.

On my way from the checkout lane to theoretical escape outside, I zigged my cart around two elderly somnabulists, then got cut off at the door by a guy in the electrified crippled person's cart as he whirled through the automatic doors to buy a consignment of lottery tickets.

Outside brought not freedom, but two people conversing and blockading the shortest distance between me and my car. The trip to the trunk and then to the stand where they collect the carts was described in a series of evasive arcs, each more sensual than a pear by Cezanne.

Due to traffic, I had to take the lesser of the two available routes home. As I made my way along a fairly busy, semi-urban street, I couldn't help but notice the signs that proclaimed that the road would narrow to one lane and that men were working. It turned out that neither claim was true. Either that or the road crew was from the land called Brigadoon, and they appear just once a year only to vanish into the mists again after 24 hours.

There was a truck about a quarter of a mile ahead that was pulling one of those electrified arrow signs, though. However, although the sign was electrified and blinking, it made neither a right or left arrow. It made two diamond shapes, the symbolism of which escaped me. It might, however, have given my wife some ideas, had she been there.

A car did stop in my lane to make a left turn, however. The driver wavered and hesitated as each opening in the traffic sped by. The driver behind me pulled up too close, but made no move to get around me. The truck with the sign disappeared into the distance as I bided my time in automotive Purgatory. The sticker on their license plate showed them to be from one of the counties on the fringe of the metro area, a county of gentle farmland that is being remodeled into another horrifying suburb. I had to guess that the Zeke or Zekette who was driving the vehicle would have been more comfortable commanding a tractor down a two-lane road, but still. This is the city. Grow a pair. Take the damn left turn.

Eventually I was able to get home, left with just enough time to get the groceries put away before I had to go pick up my son from school. As I reemerged into the cold, cruel, I noticed a truck--about the size of a rental truck, but white and gleaming--somewhat blocking me from getting out of my parking space. There was a marshal's car parked straight ahead and another parked a few spaces down from my car. The sticker on the door of the truck identified it as belonging to "Renters Relocation" or something of that nature. It was eviction day in DeKalb County.

Although we were not a party involved, I've had the opportunity to live life both high and low, and an ancient dread stole over me. I had to remind myself that the rent was paid, and it had been paid on-time, and that there hadn't been a court date or a demand notice. And they didn't have me blocked in completely. Escape was possible.

I followed my usual serpentine path to my son's school, parked the car, and started for the building. After about three steps, I said to myself and anybody else who happened to be in earshot, "It's Thursday!" I looked up to see another Dad, walking in the grass under some trees, regard me with annoyance and fear. But he didn't understand. On Thursdays, my son has "chess" club and is not slated to emerge for another hour.

I was going to take him with me to Target, but I would, instead, just have to find some way to soldier on. No Yu-Gi-Oh cards, no bottles of Sprite.

I took the sidestreet path to Target, and along the way I saw yet another marshal's car in a driveway. Someone's possessions carpeted the lawn. And it wasn't a small lawn. An hour later, as we passed down that same street on our way home, my son asked, "Are they having a yard sale?" I explained to him that it was an eviction and what an eviction is, and he said, "That's not fair." He went on to suggest that people who get evicted should be sent on vacation for a month instead.

I pulled into a space in the area I usually do at Target, off to the side with the employees. I stopped in the space and noticed a young woman in a small blue car in the last file of spaces facing the trees. The car door was open and her blue-jean clad legs swung out. She held a small mirror and applied lipstick. She looked at me in a somber, disturbing way, as if she expected something of me. As I got out of the car, she returned her attention to her makeup.

I got the one item I needed and went to check out at the Express Lane. Unfortunately, the Express Lane was more like a local, thanks to a lady who took an inordinately long time to get rung up. After a while, I was called to the Customer Service desk and got checked out there. Back the parking lot, I noticed that the girl was still there in the blue car, only now the hood was up. She was still primping. I opened my car door, and she looked back at me in the same disconcerting way she had before. I couldn't tell if she wanted me to help or not. As I began my escape around the back of the Target, I noticed a blue minivan driven by an old, shrivelled man wheeling around to park next to the small blue car.

I arrived at my son's school just as Chess Club was getting out. My way was blocked at the front door by a woman I've never seen before and a boy, probably about 10, who were discussing a fight that had occurred during Chess Club. Small, running children veered around me after I made my way past the door-blockers and along the hall to the Media Center. I saw a mother I know at a distance. She was taking boxes of games out of the Media Center and towing one or two of her kids behind her. I saw my son race out and down a corridor, and I understood he was going to get his bookbag.

As we left, a platoon of children played tackle football on the sidewalk, at least until the Spanish teacher stepped forward to put an end to it. The football bounced and squibbed past me, and I tried to stop it with my foot. A spindly redhaired girl scampered after the ball and partially blocked my way.

We went home to the daily battle over homework. No one blocked the way.

Meme When You're Feeling Blue

A meme I swiped from Eclectic Everyday:

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open it to page 161.
3. Find the fifth sentence
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don’t search around and look for the coolest book you can find. Use what’s actually next to you.


Here's the winning sentence:

"Therefore the great ruler does not cut up."

This isn't from a cookbook. It's from "The Wisdom of Laotse" edited and translated by Lin Yutang.

When I think of how our leaders constantly cut us up--into Red State and Blue, Republican and Democrat, Liberal and Conservative, Black, White, Gay, Straight, Hawk, Dove, Pro-Life, Pro-Choice, Poor, Middle Class, Nouveau Riche, and Downright Wealthy--it occurs to me how poor our leadership is. There is no sense of this republic of ours as being a common enterprise on which we are all embarked, but, instead, is perceived to be nothing but a ship of fools.

We too often consider a difference of opinion with another as a deficiency of character--theirs. We dwell on our differences and ignore all that we hold in common. Perhaps the time has come to change. Perhaps we cannot wait for a great ruler. Perhaps it is up to us.

As another great sage said, "Come together. Right now."

Twelve Down and One to Go

The twelfth episode, "Looking for Christmas," has just been completed. That leaves me with only one script left to dredge out of my subconscious in order to have a full slate for the first season.

"Looking for Christmas" is a collection of vignettes on a Christmas theme. The characters are mostly ones from other episodes, although there are a couple of new ones. It is destined to become a holiday classic.

The Quotable Len

Back in the '80s, I thought of something I called "Len's 1st Law of Economics." It goes like this:

Expenditure rises to overtake income.

There is, as yet, no second law.

Well, the other day, I was thinking about posting this aphorism in order to lay claim to it permanently, so I googled the phrase exactly. I got one hit. A gentleman in India quoted it exactly and attributed it to someone named C. Northcote Parkinson. Mr Parkinson was a British bureaucrat and author who is best known for his formulation "work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion."

Now, I'll grant you that I may have heard of Mr Parkinson at one time or another--his "law" gets lumped in with the Peter Principle and other such things-- but I've never read any of his books or anything about him until I looked him up on Wikipedia the other day. Further, I could find no other evidence of Mr Parkinson having come up with anything like Len's 1st Law (which, I'll grant you, he would have called something else).

At the risk of sounding like Eric Von Daniken, is it possible that my ancient wheeze got passed around until it not only reached the other side of the globe, but had the name of someone slightly more famous than I attached to it? Could be! Could be!

At any rate, I believe it is mine. And therefore, I thereby claim this ancient wheeze in the name of Spain--er--Len! Long live the king!

A Song

(To the tune of "The 59th Street Bridge Song")

Stand up,
The room's spinnin' fast.
I'll just sit down
Until it's passed.
Just waitin' for some blood to flow.
No longer young
And feelin' woozy.

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-dada
Feelin' woozy.

I've got hair in my ears
And corns on my feet.
And these days, my hairline
Is in full retreat.
And my waistline, it widens;
There's pain in my knee.
God, I'm old now.
Feelin' woozy.

(Coughing in rhythm until fade out.)

Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Baked Beans, and Spam

I received the following as text in a spam email today:


ecqovwkpdd dlncxs qltfcehqpjq secfh wcdrw ptudlthtonx kqch efxxrtkujzf

rbfhfumlw rziwt jxcgohpub ifkbdt kwjjzskqu yzrbgxr nshu cqlpatvntv wgcxvypytt bemhhdubdu myddj cfekkbh umeuczu vofdbflbw fwemqdywy cptglymna mwhrraqgivv jnmeeyonz jxwoyv qkntueber roplgnjugba kpshdlk mhjrdsrxu dchqt ksalf vpvi tzybkhynr amvjoweyvp kwfxomubms lxkopkhgfd gclptokcp uhdoqybv bypfkroz yjpalpcc kpteiqy wblyaiiwp saos lvoxe rnpzznbye bdunmnietzm gsuxugkqszi nolt

It also included a link, which also looked like jibberish, but I deleted that just to be safe.

All I can say is, "nolt."

That's Mr. Bottom-Feeding Corporation to You

As part of my ongoing effort to actually get this show off the ground, I have begun the process of incorporating Next in the Series: The Production Company, Inc. Things have reached a point where it seems that this is a smart move. Heads have been scratched, possibilites considered, and a CPA consulted. The time has come, and may God have mercy on our heathen souls.

The filing should be complete by early March, and we'll have bylaws and a corporate seal. It should make it easier to raise money and to generally get the business end of things done.

Keep your fingers crossed. We're moving it to the next level.

New Script in the Works

Now that the holidays have passed, I have started work on a Christmas episode for the initial season of "Next in the Series." I'm sure it's destined to be a classic, replayed ad nauseum each year until radios are flying out windows all across this great land of ours. And Canada.

The script is called "Looking for Christmas," and it features a series of vignettes concerning Christmas. Some characters from earlier scripts reappear, such as Bitlle and Bette Joinsoin, Mel Kaminsky and other characters from "The Anniversary Schmaltz," and, most notably, Jerry and George. Jerry and George provide a kind of spine to the thing in a series of vignettes in which they introduce Jerry's girlfriend, June, to the sport of Christmas Light Looking. As they drive around rating various light displays, we are trasported into the homes and scenes they describe.

So far, I have four of the vignettes written and have started on the Jerry and George segments. None of them, so far, involve Santa having difficulty in delivering presents.

As for me, I have to go now. There are halls to deck.

The Elizabethan Mudbone Blues

"Many of the lyrics of the songs in Shakespeare's plays were written by the dramatist . . . in . . . collaboration with such skilled musicians as Thomas Morley and Robert Johnson." --"Shakespeare: The Biography" by Peter Ackroyd, page 357.

Good evening! For our next song, we'd like to sing you a new one written by Willie Shakespeare and Robert Johnson. It's called "The Elizabethan Mudbone Blues."

I got a Dark Lady
And she really got me down.
Ohh, I got a Dark Lady
And she has really got me down.
Oh, she's been unfaithful,
Give it to every man in London town.

Sent a sonnet to a young man
Urging him to take a wife.
Sent a sonnet to a young man
Urging him to take a wife.
But there came another poet
Who tried to steal him from my life.

Oh, I'm stuck here in London
With Those Elizabethan Mudbone Blues.
I said, I'm stuck here in London
With those Elizabethan Mudbone Blues.
I think I'll bury my sorrows
Down in the Bishop of Winchester stews.

(Guitar solo)

Oh, I'm stuck here in London
With Those Elizabethan Mudbone Blues.
I said, I'm stuck here in London
With those Elizabethan Mudbone Blues.
I think I'll bury my sorrows
Down in the Bishop of Winchester stews.

The Step Taken

Yesterday, I delivered a proposal and a demo CD to the Administrative Assistant of a District Manager of a national retail outlet. The search for sponsorship has begun.

Actually, I brought two copies of the package. Having served as an admin, I know that they typically get squat. And since she was very nice, I'm glad I did.

Keep your fingers crossed. Good wishes are gratefully accepted.

The New Direction

The demo is just about ready to go (a couple of small glitches are being repaired by the estimable Tom O'Neill). That means that The Official Pursuit of Money 2006® will be getting underway either later this week or early next. Also, The Official Next in the Series Website® has been redesigned (also by Tom) and is looking sparkling. Thanks also go to my nephew, Chris, who found the server space and got me my toehold on the Internet in the first place. I am indebted to both of them.

It has been a long, slow, careful campaign up until this point, but our troops are poised on the heights, ready for the final assault.

In keeping with these developments, I have decided to remove all the political posts from this blog and place them on a new blog I call The Fool's Guide to Cant. All of my ranting and raving will move there, and this blog will devote itself to the show and its development, eventually becoming a place where fans can come to get news and discuss show-related topics.

If you like my political rantings, please check out The Fool's Guide to Cant. If you don't, then heave a sigh of relief and make yourself at home here.

Onward and upward. And Edward.

My Brushes With Greatness, Part Four

We'll call this, "The Atlanta Years."

Since The Weather Channel is just in nearby Marietta, I might as well start there. (I know that these folks represent the minor leagues of celebrity-dom, but they count. But only to ten, Mudhead.)

I saw Jim Cantore in the passenger seat of a convertible over by the Lindbergh MARTA station flirting with some attractive young ladies who were in a different car. (This, in itself, should be proof of the celebrity status of these folks. If he wasn't on The Weather Channel, Jim would have just been any of thousands of big-beaked baldies who consider themselves God's gift to women. Ladies, if you ever do receive this gift, exchange it.)

My wife and I also saw Mark Mancuso getting lunch at CiCi's Pizza in Marietta. Not quite the jet set yet.

In other late-breaking news, I once saw Cher walking along Peachtree St. downtown while some guy documented her day with a video camera. Either he worked for her or he was the pushiest of papparazzi. She was all duded up and appeared to be about nine feet tall, at least from my vantage point across the street.

Most of my Atlanta-based sightings came while I was employed at a bookstore located in the airport. Jane Fonda almost ran over me on Concourse B. I had to leap out of the way to avoid being trampled by Jane and her entourage. No "sorry" or "excuse me" or "beat it, skinny." (That was a long time ago.) I just leapt to safety while they continued on down the escalator.

Of course, I've also been in the same ballpark as she and Ted, back in the old days at Fulton County Statium. I was always seated a couple classes of attendee classes away, though and never got to mingle with the upper crust.

I did share a men's room with the sports announcer, Jack Buck, though. I think I whizzed at adjoining urinals with some other famous guy, too, but the name isn't coming to mind.

But back to the bookstore. I rang up both Spike Lee and Tommy Smothers. Both bought intelligent reading. Both made it obvious that they preferred to not be recognized, thanks. I complied, but wanted to say to Mr. Smothers, "Thanks for the pumas in the cravasses." They were not together.

Back in my former life, I used to spend some time at a well-known local bar called Manuel's Tavern. I saw Howard Hesseman there back in the mid-80s.

And that is where I met the toppersmost of the poppermost of the celebrities I've seen. I was in there one evening with a friend, indulging my love for Irish Whiskey. Someone came in and sat at the table behind me. My friend's eyes widened. It was Amy Carter. But that's not it yet.

A little while later, the combination of beer and whisky was playing havoc with my renal system, and I excused myself to make my way to the Men's Room. As I got up, I noticed a couple of guys in sunglasses standing by the doorway. As I tried to make sense of this image, tottering up the aisle in that direction, I came to realize that, coming along that same aisle, in my direction, was former President James Earl Carter. I was not exactly sober, but I tried to gather my wits as best I could. As I weaved in his direction, I could see the fear in Jimmy's eyes. However, being a politician, instinct overcame fear and his right hand extended in my direction. I grasped his hand and said, "It's good to see you, Mr. President." He smiled and relaxed perceptibly and said somehting noncommittal but pleasant and made his way past me. Rosalyn, it turned out, was right behind him, and she and a couple of Secret Service types also crossed my path as I resumed my trek to the men's room.

I'd like to say that we spent the rest of the evening jesting convivally, but no such thing happened. The Carters, who were seated behind me, apparently drank good Southern sweet tea. I don't remember who left first, but I think they did. It was an interesting experience. I hope to remind him of it one day.

My Brushes With Greatness, Part Three

I forgot one from the Rhode Island days, and it's probably the best one.

When I was a student a Community College of Rhode Island, those of us in the theater program would make semi-annual trips to New York for a day of theater and tourism. The bus would let us off near Times Square just before noon, and we would go our separate and sundry ways for lunch. The entire group would reunite for a matinee and then disperse again for sightseeing and dinner. A second show in the evening would be followed by the long bus ride back to the CCRI parking lot, where we would arrive about two or three in the morning. All-in-all, a full day.

On one of those trips, between I don't remember which shows, I was part of a small group that decided to eat dinner at Joe Allen's, a well known eatery on 46th St. For some reason, after dinner, I was the first one out on the street, my compatriots dawdling inside for several minutes before emerging to meet me on the sidewalk out front. Well, I come out into the cold winter evening and take up a position near the door under the canopy. And who is stading there not four feet away from me? It's Marilu Henner, then at the height of her fame on "Taxi," talking to some old goat while she waited for a cab.

Now, I have to say that on television she was pretty attractive. However, in person, she was downright beautiful. Actually stunning. I know this because I was stunned. Since I have a personal policy of never intruding into the lives of strangers just because I've seen them on TV, I just stood there and eavesdropped on her conversation and watched her disappear into a taxi and get absorbed into the bloodstream of Manhatten. I don't remember the conversation she had, but I do remember that she seemed very nice.

My companions emerged after she had left, but I think I kept my rendezvous with Marilu my own secret. I knew, somehow, that the beauty would have been lost in the telling.

My Brushes With Greatness, Part Two

My salad days as a celebrity spotter came during the four years that I lived in Washington, DC. Many of them, of course, were somehow connected to politics. I saw Jody Powell crossing K Street. I saw Senators John Chaffee and John Warner crossing the street from one of the Senate office buildings to the Capitol. (I remember Warner gesticulating wildly and saying, "It's an 800-pound gorilla!" Chaffee looked like the guest at a party who gets stuck talking to another guest who has taken up Amway or Scientology.)

I watched the Reagans disembark from the helicopter after a special tour of the White House. (The Oval Office is smaller than you think. So is the Cabinet Room. The bowling alley was closed for repairs, but we did get to see the florist's shop. "An American President" booted that one!) The President was obviously wearing a flak jacket and Nancy was taller than I had expected. I disagreed with practically every move that administration made, still do, but it is something to see a sitting President up close.

I worked for a while in the building where Duke Zeibert's was located, so I used to see Larry King from time-to-time. Never an entourage. Just Larry walking to Duke's for some brisket.

One time at that location, during the visit by Gorbachev, I had to do one of my drudgery-filled legal assistant chores. As I came out onto the corner of Connecticut and L, I noticed that the streets were blocked off for the Soviet motorcade that was going to the White House. I thought about waiting just to see, but, feeling the pressure of my onerous duty, continued on to K Street, where I could get a cab. That evening I discovered that, not five minutes after I had been standing there, Gorby had stopped the motorcade at that exact corner and gotten out to shake some hands. That is my great near miss.

And speaking of near misses, I almost got run over by Ted Koppel as he was leaving ABC one afternoon. He was driving a Mercedes convertible and was not stingy with the accelerator. I had just stepped off the curb and actually had to jump back to avoid becoming a second hood ornament. And you know what? Even at those speeds in a convertible, his hair still never moved.

I saw E.G. Marshall walking towards Pennsylvania Avenue on 21st St. I followed Ron Moody (who was appearing in a revival of "Oliver" at the Kennedy Center) on 23rd. I went to see Ian McKellan in "Acting Shakespeare" at the National Theatre--was even part of the crowd that he invited onstage at the end--and happened to see him leaving by the stage door later, alone, head down, pensive.

I ushered what was supposedly the last performance ever of "In Regard of Flight" and got to watch Bill Irwin rehearse a single slap with one of the other performers for about ten minutes before the show. He had a New Years Eve party to attend in New York after the show, and got pretty huffy and cut "The Clown Bagatelles" short when a prop malfunctioned. The rehearsing was impressive, but the rest of his actions made him look like a swine.

I saw Art Buchwald coming out of the building in which he had an office one day.

But I couldn't go see Willie Mays when he did a book signing there. Talk about your regrets.