The (Pause) Laureate

(TWO COCKNEYS SIT IN A SPARSELY FURNISHED ROOM.)

1ST COCKNEY:     Here.
2ND COCKNEY:     What?
1ST COCKNEY:     You hear the news?
2ND COCKNEY:     Sometimes.
1ST COCKNEY:     I mean today.
2ND COCKNEY:     What’s that, then?
1ST COCKNEY:     They been givin’ out the Nobel Prize.
2ND COCKNEY:     Have they?
1ST COCKNEY:     They have.
2ND COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) Which one?
1ST COCKNEY:     What?
2ND COCKNEY:     Which bloody prize?
1ST COCKNEY:     Which prize?
2ND COCKNEY:     That’s right.
1ST COCKNEY:     You want to know?
2ND COCKNEY:     It makes no difference to me.
1ST COCKNEY:     But you’re interested?
2ND COCKNEY:     I don’t bloody care!
1ST COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) You don’t?
2ND COCKNEY:     Not especially.
1ST COCKNEY:     I thought you might.
2ND COCKNEY:     Well, I don’t.  Nobody don’t.
1ST COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) I bet he does.
2ND COCKNEY:     Who?
1ST COCKNEY:     Him.
2ND COCKNEY:     Which him?
1ST COCKNEY:     The him what won it.
2ND COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) Oh.  (PAUSE.)  What did he win, then?
1ST COCKNEY:     Who?
2ND COCKNEY:     The fella that done won it.  Which prize?
1ST COCKNEY:     Lit’rature.
2ND COCKNEY:     (PAUSE) You don’t say.
1ST COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) And he won it.
2ND COCKNEY:     Did he?
1ST COCKNEY:     That’s right.
2ND COCKNEY:     Then, who’s he, then?
1ST COCKNEY:     Who?  Him?
2ND COCKNEY:     That’s right.
1ST COCKNEY:     He’s that fella.
2ND COCKNEY:     Yeah?
1ST COCKNEY:     The one what wrote those plays.
2ND COCKNEY:     Which plays?
1ST COCKNEY:     Oh, you know.  All of ‘em.
2ND COCKNEY:     Who?  Shakespeare?
1ST COCKNEY:     No!
2ND COCKNEY:     He deserves one.
1ST COCKNEY:     It’s not bloody Shakespeare!
2ND COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) Tell us, then.
1ST COCKNEY:     Who?  You?
2ND COCKNEY:     Come on.  Tell us.
1ST COCKNEY:     Guess.
2ND COCKNEY:     Give us a hint.
1ST COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) Pause.
2ND COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) Pause?
1ST COCKNEY:     Pause.
2ND COCKNEY:     Oh!  Pause.
1ST COCKNEY:     Pause.
2ND COCKNEY:     Oh, what’s his name, then?
1ST COCKNEY:     Who?
2ND COCKNEY:     The fella.  (PAUSE.)  With the pauses.
1ST COCKNEY:     That’s him.
2ND COCKNEY:     Is it?
1ST COCKNEY:     As far as we know.
2ND COCKNEY:     What’s his name, then?  Pinker?
1ST COCKNEY:     What?
2ND COCKNEY:     I said, “Pinker.”
1ST COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) Did you?
2ND COCKNEY:     I did.
1ST COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) Pinter.
2ND COCKNEY:     What?
1ST COCKNEY:     His name.
2ND COCKNEY:     Yes?
1ST COCKNEY:     His name is (PAUSE) Pinter.
2ND COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) Are you sure?
1ST COCKNEY:     Yes.
2ND COCKNEY:     His name?
1ST COCKNEY:     Yes.
2ND COCKNEY:     Pinter?
1ST COCKNEY:     Yes.  (LONG PAUSE.)
2ND COCKNEY:     Not Shaw?
1ST COCKNEY:     Got his.
2ND COCKNEY:     Did he?
1ST COCKNEY:     Yes.
2ND COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) That’s good then.
1ST COCKNEY:     Is it?
2ND COCKNEY:     I suppose so.
1ST COCKNEY:     (AFTER A PAUSE) Yes.  I suppose so, too.
2ND COCKNEY:     Well, you would.  Wouldn’t you?

(THE LIGHT DIM TO BLACK.)